From my “myspace” page on July 26, 2007

“Daniel, My Brother
Current mood: gutted, devastated
To my dear brother:

I miss you. All the color has gone out of the world; the music has stopped and all laughter has ceased. My heart has been shattered. I know your pain is over. I wish you peace.

My pain has just begun and will have no end.”

Dear Dan,

I wrote that the “day after.” I still feel that way. There are days where I almost forget that you’re no longer in this world; when I feel like I can pick up the phone and call. Then it all comes crashing back.

I used to call for advice. Since I can no longer do that I think back to the time I did and then ask myself “What would Dan say about this?” I fee calm come over me and then I can look at the situation with reason and logic.

Other days it’s still completely overwhelming. I can’t help but wonder how we got here.

I love you. I miss you. I pray you find peace. I hope you have already.

Vocation Vacations

“Thanks to my experience with Vocation Vacations in 2005, I am pleased to report I have taken the plunge and now work as a full-time professional photographer!”

Dan Chaffee, Kansas City, MO Photographer Vocationer
This is a little something I found on the web not too long ago. Along with his bequest notes that were found after he died, Dan also left a release form for the site/the book. I want to get the book and look it over.

Dan was so excited about VocationVacations finding a photographer in the KC area that he could work with. He got the opportunity to go on a fashion shoot and look over the photographer’s shoulder more or less. The assistant would set up the shot and the photographer and Dan would discuss it. Dan was allowed to look through the lens to see exactly what the photographer was seeing. He was also allowed to use his own camera to take some shots along with the professional.

Later Dan worked as a photographer. He had shows in KC. He went to the Costa Rican rain forest on a photo safari. He won second place with this photo:

Socks? Gloves?

I decided I have to have a knitting project going. It’s not as though I don’t have plenty of projects going now but I feel the need to work on something new.
I got my needles out and my sock yarn and it’s gloves! I decided I want to make some nice, long gauntlet gloves. I checked by sticking a pair of socks on my arms and I discovered that the length should be about the length of the leg or perhaps a little longer. I can actually use the same number of stitches to start. The hand and foot area should take about the same amount of yarn since my hand is smaller than my foot. Even if it takes more I should have enough yarn. When I make socks I usually have enough left over to make a pair of “golf socks.” I’m almost done with the ribbing so it’s decision time. Make a plain arm or make a cable. Hmmm….
I’m still winding out a warp for the loom. I can’t seem to get motivated at stand at the loom after a long day at work. The weekends have been a little hectic too. I’m trying to make the best of the good weather because I know it won’t last forever. Then in the evening I veg out in front of the computer or the TV. Usually with a cat needing and deserving attention while she sleeps.
Iggy does try to help out. In order to keep me from vegging in front of the computer, she jumps up on the chair for a snooze until I’m settled somewhere else. There’s something about claiming “my spot” as “her spot.” Typical kitty behavior.

The back story

On July 25, 2007 Dan had a friend drive him to a bar in downtown Kansas City. At about 10:30 PM local time, Dan got out of the car, waited for the driver to pull away and walked about 15 minutes to a parking garage. On the top level – the seventh floor – Dan climbed on the wall and jumped.

At 5:00 AM the police came to mom’s door and notified her. She called me and said the police were there looking for Dan. I lived at the back of her condo building so I told her I would be there right away. I grabbed my phone, called Dan and got his voicemail. I left a message saying the police were there, please call ASAP and asking “What the hell are you into? Let me know what I can do to help.”

There was a knock on my door. A police woman was there. I told her to come on in while I grabbed my shoes. She came in and told me she had something to tell me before we went to mom’s. That’s when she told me Dan jumped. I looked at her and waited. She didn’t say anything. I asked “Is he alive?” I was expecting to hear he was in the hospital in KC and in my mind I was already making plans to take care of him. The police woman said “No.”

And that, my friends, is when the world crashed to a halt.

It still amazes me that no one else heard the crashing sound. No one else felt the earth slam on its brakes. How is it that people were still asleep and didn’t know the world ended?

For the past 14 months I’ve been dealing with this loss and all the emotion and legal issues that accompany death. Sometimes well and sometimes not.

This is my life with and without Dan.


I went to the Fair this past weekend. A friend of mine won a blue ribbon for her afghan. In her words it’s a “fierce pink” that will “growl at all the other baby afghans and make them cry.” It is actually a lovely raspberry color. She did a beautiful job on it!

She also go a “best of show” ribbon for her socks. She does the best kitchner stitch I’ve ever seen. I have to get her to teach me how she does that so evenly! Very cool. I had to call to congratulate her as soon as I got home.

I have to call the woman who is getting married in September. Here’s the problem: what do you get a couple who is getting married – both for the second time; both have their own homes and have had for some times – and they will not be living together for a while. I was thinking about weaving the cloth that will wrap their hands during the ceremony but I don’t know if they will be having that kind of ceremony.

Next problem: If I do weave the cloth, which is about the size of a scarf, what to do with the project I’m warping now? Since it isn’t fully wound out I could put it aside or I could wind for the smaller loom. Of course there’s no place to put the smaller loom to work on it so the larger loom would be better … and on and on.

Yep. I really need to call her tonight.
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