Piece of My Heart

I’ve been listening to Janis sing that song. I wonder how many pieces of your heart you can lose and still be able to love.

I know the more love you give, the more love you have. But what about those stolen bits of the heart?

There have been several men who shattered my heart and took bits with them when they left: Dad, Dan, ex-boyfriends and an ex-husband. Is there a point when too many pieces have been stolen that you are no longer able to love?

Or maybe what some of them steal isn’t just pieces of the heart. Maybe what they steal is hope. You’re not living if you don’t have hope.

Maybe it’s the willingness to take a risk that was stolen. I used to be willing to take a generous amount of emotional risk, but not now. I know exactly the event that made me avoid emotional risks as though I am avoiding the plague. I’m not saying it’s his fault. I’m simply saying I avoid emotional risk since that event.

None of this was intentional — on either side. Just simple human interaction and either failed relationships or death. These guys didn’t set out to break my heartand to steal pieces. It’s just a hazard of living day by day. I know I could learn to take emotional risks and to love again.

But for now, I just don’t have the heart.

Musical earwigs and my thought process

Musical earwigs — those songs that gets stuck in my head and I can’t get it out.

For the past several months, I’ve been waking up with a song running through my head. The same song will be on an endless loop for several days, then another moves in. Once in a while I get a break and two or three songs will share the rotation, but mostly it’s that one song repeating.

Most recently the playlist has been oldies: “Requiem for the Masses,” “Cherry Hill Park,” MacArthur Park,” and “Happy Together.” I will accept anything by The Beatles or Michael Buble. “Sway” was on a loop there for a while. Michael can lead to Frank or Tony or Mel and they can lead to Edith and Billie.

Sometimes I know why a song gets stuck. Watching the first two Harry Potter movies will immediately lead to “MacArthur Park” sung by Richard Harris. That leads to “Requiem for the Masses” sung by The Association. Why? Because Jimmy Webb’s song was first offered to and turned down by The Association, then offered to and accepted by Richard Harris — before he accepted the role of Dumbledore, of course.

When a band member dies as in the case of Levon Helm of The Band — that can start the process. For the next several days “Virgil Cain is the name” and “I pulled in to Nazareth” loop-de-looped.

The times I find particularly trying are the loops that lead to loops. For instance, “Requiem for the Masses” made me think of El Cordobes and “Or I’ll Dress You In Mourning

… a very hot man in his day …!

Thinking of El Cordobes makes “Requiem for the Masses” hammer through my brain. And I go “up and down and around and ’round” … so now Jim Croce is running through my brain. Ugh!