Almost two months

Mom passed on March 2nd, 2019. I was holding her hand and stroking her face and hair when she passed. She had two very short moments of apnea and she was gone. The last two days, she was no longer responsive, but because I was cracking jokes and telling funny family stories, mom was laughing at very appropriate places. I knew she could hear me and was aware of what was going on around her.

The medical report said it was about 30 minutes from when she first experienced difficulty breathing until her final breath. It was more like two and a half and she was gone.

Then the guilt set in. There was always going to be guilt; there’s no way I would ever get away without it over what I did, didn’t do, should have done, etc. etc. etc.

She hasn’t been in touch. Not once. I take that as a sign of her displeasure in me. The photo of my dad and the one of her dad have disappeared. I take that as signs of their displeasure. It is what it is and I have to live with that.

The Wednesday before her passing she was still somewhat responsive. When I came home and walked into her room, she looked at me with such joy. I’m certain that she thought I was Dan. She had been confusing me with Dan for some time. She missed him so much. I’m happy she’s finally reunited with him in body and spirit. A portion of his cremains are now with Mom and I will scatter them when the weather gets warmer.

I like to think of her hanging out with her dad, my dad, and Dan. I’m sure she’s very happy and having a great time. Good! She deserves to finally just hang with her peeps.

 

2 thoughts on “Almost two months

  1. Cathey, I don’t see any way that your mother, your dad or your grandfather could possibly be displeased with you. Please, see all the good that you did for her. The way you love and cared for your mother gave her life. Had you not done all that you did for her, and had your love for her not been evident to her, I know she would have passed long before she did. Your love for her kept life in her. Please believe that.

  2. You cared for the woman who brought you into this world with every last breath of your body. You are a saint, and she knows this. Give it time, you will find her thankyou in the most unexpected situations.

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